I know life is full of highs and lows, but the last few days, I have been mainly feeling the lows. I am not sure if it is the stifling heat (the 90's and so humid you can't breathe), the hormones of pregnancy, fatigue (pregnancy generally doesn't slow me down-- although I know it should AND I didn't sleep Sunday night since I did a birth through the night and into Monday)...maybe a combination of all of these? Things are just getting to me...and since this is my forum, I am going to vent it out-- what else is there to do?
After a good weekend, and a really great natural birth on Monday morning, things just sunk. I know part of this is that I am not looking forward to my 30th birthday coming up on Monday. I know that birthdays shouldn't be a big deal, and they usually are not to me, but this one just has me turning into a basket case. I just don't know what it is about turning 30, but I am not ready to go there yet. I know I am happily married, have great kids and a nice house, and my own business that does well-- the things most people are looking for to be satisfied and to "gauge" their life success, but it doesn't make this birthday okay for me. I don't know what will-- and what bothers me even more is that it seems like my family doesn't really care about this "milestone" in my life.
Originally, my parents had talked of going downtown for dinner to a nice restaurant that we hadn't been to in years, but completely adore. I was really excited about it. Then, last week, my mom called to say that my dad didn't really want to drive "all the way downtown" for dinner. My brother didn't even want to drive to my area for dinner...less than an hour away for them, so could I meet them somewhere in the middle or come to their area for dinner...either that, or we just wouldn't do anything. Then, ten minutes later in the conversation, it comes up that my brother has been looking to buy a new boat, and the one he was most interested in was in North Carolina...and he and my dad were going to drive there to look at it. Instantly, what crossed my mind was (well, besides does my brother REALLY need a new boat), why would my dad plan to drive to North Carolina, a distance of over 800 miles each way, when the 50 miles for them to drive downtown for dinner was too far? Was my brother's boat-buying whim taking priority over my birthday dinner? The whole situation made me feel like I was completely unimportant.
Then, fuel was thrown on an already blazing fire. My mom called and said my Grandma was visiting a friend and needed to be picked up from the airport this Thursday at 11 am...and that my dad and brother were going to be gone (looking at the boat), that she had to teach a class, and that basically-- there was no one else who could go and get her. She asked me to make the trip...one of between 4 and 5 hours by the time I drove to O'Hare, then took her to Seneca, and then drove all the way home...nearly 200 miles total for the day. I said I would if it was really the only way-- but I would have to rearrange my schedule and the kid's schedules to make it work because we have been really busy lately.
So, then my brother (yeah, this is like a soap opera) changes his mind and wants to look at a boat in Michigan (much closer-- a day trip rather than three or four days)...so I figure that my dad can probably make the airport run. By this point, it is Monday night and I need to know what my plans are for Thursday-- I make mine several weeks (not minutes) in advance. My dad says he doesn't think they are going to go, but now he is going to potentially be taking a load of steel (he has his own trucking business) and it would be best if I could still go...then I could come to "visit" them for a while too. Just a 200 mile little scenic journey with Kyle (since Erin has a class and I would have to arrange alternate transportation and childcare for her in order to be gone all day). I let him know that it really would NOT be easy for me to do that and he blew up on the phone and really was mean. Then, my mom got on the phone, heard me out for a few minutes, and then said some equally awful things herself before hanging up on me...so that is where that is. Toss in the fact that we are not really speaking to the in-laws, and that is my family life.
I just want to break down and cry for a while-- so that might just be what I am going to do. The house is a mess, but I don't feel like cleaning it. We need groceries, but I don't feel like trekking to the store. The kids are crabby and it is too hot to do anything fun. So, complete and utter self-pity and whining, party of one.
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