When you don't blog for a couple of months, it is tough to decide where to start! So, I am going to start right where I think it would be fun to do so....the story of how I almost dropped the gloves with a 58 year-old lady in a Cracker Barrel bathroom in Chattanooga, Tennessee...
So, after nearly 800 miles of driving, listening to kids whine that the batteries in the DSs were dead, and eating fast food, I was craving some "real" dinner-- and what is more "real" than a breakfast at Cracker Barrel for dinner? Mike wanted to keep on going, to see it we could make it further that night, as we wanted to make it past Atlanta (to avoid the morning traffic), but since I was driving and had seen over 100 signs for that particular restaurant, we found ourselves in a Cracker Barrel parking lot just after 6 pm.
From the moment we sat down, there were signs that this was not likely to be a good experience. Ryan was beside himself after missing most of his regular naps and was emitting a steady whine as we put him in a high chair. When offered food, he threw it on the floor without trying it. Erin, of course, had to go to the bathroom the minute we sat down. Telling Mike that I just wanted some water with lemon, I took her to the ladies room.
When we walked into the bathroom, which had three stalls in a row opposite a set of double sinks, there was no one else in there besides us. Erin motioned her way into the first stall, nearest the door, and I went into the one on the end. You know they say the one on the end is usually the cleanest, as most people opt for the closest one to the door. That makes me "take the road less traveled" if it is possible!
So, I quickly pee (which I admit was good after all the coffees we sipped in the car...which were not Starbucks by the way...it seems there are not a lot of Starbucks between southern Illinois and Tennessee) and wash my hands. I then ask Erin if she is almost done, and she says "yes, Mommy!" And, I am not a freak, but you know how you can kind of make out shapes and basic colors when "glancing" through the crack in the stall from a couple of feet away? Well, a concerned Mom "might" on occasion do that to check on her trying-to-be-independent five year-old....so I did. Erin was wearing a bright green, like lime-green colored sweater that day- and that is basically the color that I saw in the first stall, but it was near the floor, which I thought was kind of odd.
"Erin, did you take off your sweater?" I asked her. "No, Mommy" she responded. Thinking to myself, I have to help this kid get herself together so we can go order our food, I pushed gently on the door to the first stall.
The door was not locked, so it opened a couple of inches before someone on the other side pushed back. Having a child who rarely locks the door to the stall, but who would almost always push against me to exert her independence, I pushed back again with a little more strength, the door opening maybe five or six inches, saying, "Erin, it is Mommy-- I am coming in to help you."
A strange lady responded instead of my daughter....and in a not-so-kind-and-understanding way. "You are NOT my Mommy and I do NOT need any help!"
I apologized and let her know that I had confused her stall with that of my five year-old who needed help with her clothes.
"Five? I am fifty-eight and in all my life no one has ever done to me what you just did" the stranger replied...again, I apologized and said I thought my daughter had gone into that stall.
She wouldn't let it go...she then went on to say, "You better not keep doing that you pervert...do that to someone and you are likely to get your ass kicked!"
I mentioned that it was a mistake and that she didn't have to be so rude about it to me. With the protection of Erin's real stall around us both, the lady finished up and left, slamming the door to her stall so hard that it shook the entire set of stalls.
When I came out with Erin a momen later, there were three other ladies standing near the sinks laughing. Two of them looked like a mother and daughter and one was a mom about my age. I let them know that I am sure that didn't look good, but that I honestly was just trying to help my little girl in the bathroom and she didn't have her door locked, and so forth. They just laughed and said they have never seen anything like her outburst.
Nervous to walk out the door, thinking I might have to see the lady, who I knew to be 58 and wearing lime-green pants, the mother and daughter decided to alleviate my fears..."Don't worry-- she was shorter than you- you could totally take her" they said, as they laughed. I then walked back to the table with Erin and started telling Mike the story...he was barely listening to me until the mom about my age came up and talked to us for a moment...
"You guys aren't from around here, are you?" she asked. When I told her no, we were from Chicago, she reassured us that she had never seen anything like that in her life. "Most of us are not like that here in the South...we are much more hospitable to our guests than that-- just ignore her!" she said as she went to sit down at a nearby table.
That is when Mike was much more interested in the story. As I was telling it, I noticed at a table across the room, there was an older lady with streaky gray hair wearing a Christmas sweater and bright lime-green pants. Knowing it had to be her, for no one else could possibly have a pair of pants that ugly, I tried to hide behind Erin the rest of our meal.
As she got up, just before we were done, she walked right past us, and as she got about 10 feet away, she turned and looked at us for a second or two before turning back around and continuing for the door.
I think it was because she knew I could totally take her. : )
Moral of the story:
Stay away from Chattanooga Tennesee Cracker Barrel restaurants. They are frequented by a crazy lady wearing ridiculously ugly green pants who likes to start bathroom fights.
And, lock your door if you don't want a good-intentioned mother of a five year-old to join you!
good to finally hear the story! you should have told her to lock her dang door!
Posted by: chris jenkins | January 11, 2011 at 02:16 AM
You are so funny!!! You could've given Erin a lesson on how to kick some ass!!
Posted by: Krista | January 11, 2011 at 11:18 PM